My mother passed away when I was about to complete school and was stuck between the many choices for my career decision. It was a horrifying and trembling phase of my life. I was so afraid that I could not believe what happened. I did not entirely accept that I would not see her or hug her like I used to do after waking up every morning. I could not see her go, I was so frightened to look at her face that I hid inside my room all that while. The house which was once a comfort zone turned into a hollow cave of detached souls. My family was torn apart, my life became an endless struggle of negative connotations. The rebel inside me hogged up the limelight, I started hating GOD.
A part of me became very indifferent and a part of me wanted loving hands to heal me. They said it was a natural death but it wasn’t something natural for me. My mother was one of the most amazing, strong, intelligent and caring person I knew. She dealt with life like a super hero. She was and is still my super hero. She played the most important role in making me what I am today.
I miss her unconditional love, her warmth and her presence in my world. I regret all those moments I screamed at her unknowingly. I regret that I asked her to stop picking me up from the school because I was big enough to come back on my own. I hate the fact that she could not witness my wedding and relish the moments. There is so much piled up within me that I want to say to her but I can’t.
I wish I could just wrap myself in her lap and talk to her about my fears, my issues, my life and vent it all out because I know i won’t be judged.
Only a mother can give you that space.
And living without my mother has made me a different person. Either I grew up way too early or suppressed the kid inside. I am sometimes a straightforward wreck or a sensitive soul. I find it difficult to connect with my emotions on some days and I end up seeking approval in love. I have come a long way with scars I can’t recognize. Sometimes I battle with identity crisis but I have confidence in my own being and I believe my journey has been empowering. It’s hard to express what it is. It feels like it’s bottled up but it’s empty.
I don’t know why am writing all this. Because there is no way I can comprehend or give words to what goes within the territory of my heart. May be I want to try again and go through this void as everyone is talking about the mother’s day. Although I don’t have my mother around me and NOBODY on this planet EARTH can take her space but am glad she left me with two most loving people in my life who cared for me like a baby. And in this moment I want to thank both of them for nurturing me always – My elder sister Nidhi (dhaaa) and My husband Ishan (Ish). You both are my saviors!